Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
