new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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