ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
