Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
