Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
