I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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