Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
