eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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