I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
