I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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