I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
