like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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