One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
