I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
