remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
