Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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