i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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