I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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