I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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