I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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