if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You made out with two different species that night
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
