she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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