my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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