my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
