I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
