I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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