she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
