I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
