I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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