I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
