you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Holy shit dude........stairs
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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