I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
