I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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