Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
