he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
