The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
