Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
