All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
