I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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