I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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