I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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