I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
