I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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