He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
