I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
