Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
