Banned from zoo.
Again?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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