I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
