I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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