Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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